Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, I made you a promise. One day, we’ll look back on everything we’re doing now and wonder how the hell we did it.

I was naïve, back then. Referring to a tribulation of a completely separate sort, and believing that would be the hardest thing.

I remember the earliest days, last summer. I don’t know if I can hug you the next time I see you. I think I’ll have to stay six feet from everyone for a little while. And I wondered, as I got on that plane out of Texas, if that would be the last time in a long time that I’d hug my mom. I don’t know if you will have to wear a mask here, next time. Once the chemo starts. And I wondered if that would be the last time in a long time that I would see my mother’s face.

And if that first thing made us stronger or just scarred us.

And I thanked G-d every day for the things that didn’t happen. And for my best friend’s intuition. And that my mother never listens to rules.

You don’t know about the surgery? Didn’t they explain it to you?

Of course they explained it. I got bored and lost interest.

How do you hold not going home for seventeen months.

How do you hold going home every month or so?

And she was sick that whole time, and nobody knew.

And she’s gonna be fine now.

And how do you hold being strong with being scared, being headstrong with please tell me what to do. With you telling me my entire life that I’ll be okay, to me making that same promise to you.

I do what I normally do when I’m scared. I call the rebbetzin. I go for a run. I go to the center of the plaza at night, street lights and stray musicians and cobblestone, and climb right onto the top of the fountain. Perhaps it’s easier to talk to G-d from the fountain, surrounded by strangers. I found myself saying, I trust you with her.

I found myself thinking about the children of rabbis, who doubtlessly hear more than most children do. And that airport in Texas that’s an hour from anything. I forgot to buy milk, and I smell like a bonfire, and my mother requested I bring mint from my garden to plant in her courtyard.

I trust you with her.